Just a little misstep

January 27, 2019. When Robin the Chemo Teach nurse told me I would probably start losing my hair after three treatments, I didn’t think she meant the very next day. But right on cue, my hair started shedding on Wednesday.

I’m not sure why I actually believed in my heart that it wasn’t really going to happen to me. I didn’t even realize that was my truth. But it was like a big old punch to the gut when I ran my hand through my mop and a mass of hair came with it.

My first thought was, I need Steve to take a photo while I still have something there to take a photo of. So he did.

lana_hairsm-1-4

Next I ordered a pair of electric clippers. I envisioned a buzz cut in the very near future. So near in fact, that I added next day delivery to the order. After all, I was leaving a trail of hair everywhere I went, my pillow was covered in hair in the morning. I was feeling sad. I wondered why.

Intellectually, I knew this day was coming. Who am I trying to kid? So I sent an email to a dear friend of mine who knows all too well what it’s like to lose one’s hair. In the subject I put “Hair,” and then I wrote, “Mine is coming out in handfuls. Any advice?” My phone rang almost instantly.

We had a sweet discussion about being defined by our hair, how short should I buzz it and mirrors. We talked about wig or no wig, how many hats I had, and reminded oursleves it will grow back. She said, “You know, it’s just a little misstep.” She made me laugh outloud.

Talking with her was super helpful. But what I realized in the course of our conversation was that the real reason I was so distressed was because losing my hair made what I was going through even more real. Not having my hair was like putting a sign on my chest that said, “I have cancer.” It brought my illness front and center, whether I wanted it there or not. Shit.

The buzz. Last night I handed the clippers to Steve while I sat on a chair in the middle of the kitchen floor. We were both pretty emotional as he put the buzzing clippers to my head and took the first pass. Our eyes welled with tears, and we had a quiet moment. Then he forged onward and before we both knew it, I had a new do.

Lana with a buzz cut

All that’s left now is to go completely bald, which I’m certain will happen and within the next few weeks. Dare I say it again? Shit.

Whatever our souls are made of, his and mine are the same. โ€”Emily Bronte, Wuthering Heights

 

 

18 Replies to “Just a little misstep”

  1. Honey, you look absolutely wonderful, except for the distressed expression on you beautiful face, which will soon be gone, you’ve just got to get used to it, which you will. You have a great shaped head for baldness!
    Love you Darlin,
    Carole

    Liked by 1 person

  2. I’m not shitting you… you look absolutely stunning in your new buzz. I can’t imagine what you went through to make this decision.

    I’m glad you got to talk with your friend who had already gone through this experience.

    My hat goes off to you and Steve for your courage and determination to get things right.

    Love you to bits. ๐Ÿ’—

    Liked by 1 person

  3. You have a really nice shaped head—๐Ÿ˜๐Ÿ˜๐Ÿ˜๐Ÿ˜โค๏ธโค๏ธโค๏ธโค๏ธโค๏ธ

    I LOVE YOU!!!

    M

    ________________________________

    Liked by 1 person

  4. Wow- you look even more beautiful without hair! Your beauty and grace radiates from inside Banana and thatโ€™s the gift that you give to all of us who are fortunate enough to call you friend. Love you!

    Liked by 1 person

  5. You manage to still be just as beautiful because that is the light within you! Those beautiful blue eyes are still the same and reflect your soul! Own it, beautiful lady!
    ๐Ÿ˜˜๐Ÿ’•

    Liked by 1 person

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