A Big Day…Hell, A Big Week

December 18. Real Time. So today is the day. At 4 o’clock this afternoon, I finally get my long-awaited audience with Dr. Rugo. I’m anxious. I spend my time imagining the conversations. The debates. What she thinks I should do as opposed to what I’m willing to do. I remind myself that Dr. Rugo is practicing medicine. Practicing. She will strongly recommend a course of treatment based on the success she has had practicing on other patients. But I’m not other patients. I’m me. I’ve been practiced on before. I know that 19 years ago, every decision I made about my cancer treatment was based on fear. The fear of dying sooner than later. They tell you the mortality rate of having treatment vs. not having treatment. And it scares you. So you say yes to radiation. You say yes to chemotherapy. You say yes to whatever they feed you that they say will help you live longer. But I was 47 years young then. Life was good, really good…except for one small, life-threatening thing. I wanted to live. So I did whatever they told me I should do.

I’m not 47 anymore. I’m not afraid anymore. I want to live, of course. But I’ve been told my situation is not dire. And this is what I imagine I will be reminding Dr. Rugo. After all, how dire can it be when she has waited three months to even see me? What guarantee can she give me that chemotherapy (which would take 4 months to complete) will shrink the tumor? Here is what I want. I want to get surgery scheduled as soon as possible to have the tumors removed and have the conversation about adjuvant therapy afterward. That’s it. So on this BIG day I’ve been anticipating for 3 long months, I’m going to pull on my combat boots and my flak jacket and head out the door to my future. My future. More to follow…

As for my BIG week. This is my last week as a working class stiff. I’m retiring. Officially my last day is 12/31/18. But I work for a college, and the college is closed the last week of the month for winter break. That means after Friday all I have to survive is the holidays. Well, not just the holidays, but you know what I mean. To the future. May it be brighter and happier than we could ever imagine.

The way is not in the sky. The way is in the heart. —Buddha

9 Replies to “A Big Day…Hell, A Big Week”

  1. Lana, I wish the world could hear your voice. It is very strong and convincing. You’ve come a long way in how you view your life.

    I know you’ll be able to express your concerns in a compassionate way when you meet with your doctor. I pray that she is supportive.

    Looking forward to hearing about your successful surgery.

    And, hallelujah on retiring!!!! You have many bright days ahead of you, especially after you knock this cancer out of your body for good. Sending bundles of love to you and Steve. ❤

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Oooh, Lana, I’ve been thinking about you so much, I must have known it’s coming up. My heart is with you double-time today!

    What a difference 2 decades can make, right? I’m sure you’re still scared, but in a stronger way, a smarter way.

    I have your last day working written on my calendar, from many months ago . It’s finally here!!!

    Love you girl, you go tell ’em what you want, don’t let her push you around!
    Carole

    Liked by 1 person

    1. It’s odd. But once I was diagnosed and was able to wrap my brain around it, the fear disappeared and was replaced with determination. I’m empowered by all the love and support and belief from caring people like you that I will come out on the other side with my good health. Look out world!

      Like

  3. Amazing Lana! That is your moniker. The amazing warrior Lana, and if it were me walking in your combat boots, I would wish to possess your bravery and power of mind. Need I say passion? Because your passion for life and understanding make you a passionate warrior that I love.
    Tamara

    Liked by 1 person

  4. I’m awaiting the recap of your conversation and a photo of you with combat boots and flak jacket.
    It is awesome that this day has arrived and you will know more than you did yesterday about your options.
    I love you to the moon and back my beautiful friend!
    Roni

    Liked by 1 person

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