July 11, 2025. It’s mind-blowing to me that for nearly seven years my constant companion has been cancer. It’s always whispering in my ear, “I’m here. You can try to get rid of me, but I have no intention of leaving.”
My spidey sense is highly attuned to that whisper, even when I sleep. In the one place I should be able to escape, cancer creeps into my dreams, making itself known. It is never not there.
It’s a lot of work, exhausting really, to try to maintain the upper hand. To be on top of it. To not let it get out of control. As a person living with cancer, I am constantly on guard wondering about the littlest of pains, the tiniest of bumps, the smallest bit of breathlessness.
Who am I kidding? My cancer controls everything…how I think about the future—and not just mine; the healthy habits I try to cultivate; the way I plan my days, weeks, months; how I am viewed and how I view myself.
You might encourage me to not give cancer so much power. I don’t think I do…willingly. But when cancer is the dominate force in your life, maybe it’s healthier to acknowledge the power cancer has, recognize there is no getting around it and try to find a way to be okay with it. This is my life. This is how it has played out.
Even if by some miracle of science an oncologist declares me cancer free, will I be? Truly? The lingering ghost of cancer will always haunt me. And if it comes to that, I’ll happily be okay with it.
The greater part of our happiness or misery depends on our dispositions, and not upon our circumstances. —Martha Washington
lana has cancer 