Posted on by Lana Eberhard

Cycle 15, Day 1

November 12, 2023. I cried. Not sobbing crying. Tears welling up crying. In front of Dr. Rugo.

Have I cried before? Yes, I did. But that was when Mom died. I had treatment that day, and they put me in Chair 22 on February 22nd. Mom’s birthday. Enough said.

This crying was different. It was different because it had everything to do with me and how I’m feeling right now. And what my intentions were for that day. I was absolutely certain, pretty much, that there would be no infusion. That Cycle 14, Day 1 had been my last as a participant in this clinical trial. Of course in the back of my mind I was hyper-aware of how persuasive Dr. Rugo can be. Therein lies the “pretty much.”

It just ended up being a weird day. Rugo seemed on edge and distracted. She wanted to get right down to business. No chit chat. No sidebars. She asked how I was doing, and commented that I looked thinner. Then asked how I was feeling? I said, “good.” She said she didn’t know if they were going to let me continue in the research study, but I could continue with the Sacituzumab. I said I didn’t want to. She asked what was going on. I said I didn’t like it. That I didn’t feel it was working all that well for me. I told her I saw radiation oncologist Braunstein and he was recommending 5 treatments–every day for one week. She argued that there was no point in doing focal radiation if I wasn’t going to continue systemic treatment. I reminded her we were going to discuss other options. I told her the Sacituzumab makes me tired and like I’m constantly on a chemical buzz. Even with the extra week off, the buzziness was still there.

We talked about the CT scans the previous week. She noted there was some improvement even though there was a slight increase in size of the two larger nodules. Her position was that the infusions have helped, and I am relatively stable. I held firm that I was ready to move on and wanted to discuss other chemotherapy options. She pointed out that the Sacituzumab had slowed down the progression of my disease. She considers that a win, and went on to say that is the goal for whatever treatment I have going forward. I told her I did not want to get treatment just to get treatment. That I know I’m fighting a battle I likely won’t win. That at some point in the future I’m going to call “uncle.” That quality of life was more important to me than suffering to stay alive. I told her. “I feel tired. I feel tired of it all. I’m beat up.” And that’s when the tears made an appearance. Dammit. I did not see that coming.

We went on to talk about the focal radiation. When that might happen. I told her I suspected the week after Thanksgiving. She recommended I go forward with the infusion since, with the radiation, it would be more than a month before we’d even talk about what’s next. Rather than insisting, she asked, “What do you want to do?” I was feeling overwhelmed and emotional. Knowing he knew how I felt, I asked Steve what he thought. He surprised me and sided with Rugo. I understood his response was coming from a place of fear. So I caved. I’m saddened to say, I caved. I agreed to get one last treatment as a research study participant.

So, that was that. I participated in Cycle 15, Day 1. One and done.

So here I sit. This coming week I get mapped for the radiation. And then…

Thanksgiving.

And we should be thankful, too. We should just be thankful for being together. —A Charlie Brown Thanksgiving

18 Replies to “Cycle 15, Day 1”

  2. Good morning Lana

    I have been following your posts and my heart goes out to you and this struggle you are going through. Maybe it’s just time to let your body rest and heal on its own for awhile. I think from what you are writing that this is what you are feeling you need now.

    I know these are such hard decisions for you to make but you are such a strong, wonderful loving person I feel you will make the right choices for a long and fulfilled life with your family and friends. I truly see that for you!

    HUGS and much love Sandy

    >

    Liked by 1 person

  3. I have procrastinated on responding to your last blog entry. Like your other friends who have responded I was pretty much in tears. We all have so much love and admiration for your courage in fighting this monster. And I have thought so many times how you are able to keep such a good attitude. Now I have to express my own beliefs that God is in control. You’ve been in control for so long now it’s Gods turn
    Have faith and peace of mind in Him
    You know that Ken and I are so in love with you and are praying for you and Steve that everyday that you will have peace and comfort

    Liked by 1 person

  5. My heart is just hearting and like Steve I want to hang on to my Love Bug as long as I can. My thoughts and prayers are with you, my heart is with you, stay as strong as you are and I understand any decisions you make. Love you more than you know…..

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  6. Hugs to you Lana, I was wondering how that decision was going. Having to make such decisions and fight such a fight as you have had to do, that in itself is more than I think anyone should ever be faced with. You are so much stronger than your size. Love and hugs to you Lana Patty 🍁

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  7. I had tears as I read this as I could feel your angst and how tired you are of all your treatments. I have such compassion for what you’re going through day after day, week after week, month after month. I know how much quality of life means to you. These decisions pull at your heart. Thank you for letting us in. I know you feel grateful for all the love coming your way. Lizard and I are so grateful for our long-lasting friendship with you. ❤️

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  8. I am so amazed not only because your tenacious strength, mindfulness and spirit. I am ever so thankful, grateful and blessed to be your friend. You have been on a journey that is not easy but your endurance is beyond words.. I hold you close to my heart everyday without words but hear your voice. Stay strong and listen to your body and you will always make the right choices for you. I love you so much Lana. BFF Deb

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