Wednesday, July 15, 2020. I’ve been told I’m strong. My mom just said it again the other day. Throughout this entire journey that’s the one word that comes up over and over again. “You’re so strong.” “I can’t believe how strong you are.” When I hear that word, the voice in my head always wonders, “What does that mean? Strong. I just don’t see myself that way.” That being said, I’m not the type of person who melts into a puddle on the floor, rolling around crying, “why me? why me? what have I done to deserve this?” Feeling sorry for myself just seems like one more burden I don’t have the energy to deal with.

The truth is, I don’t feel strong. I feel tired. I feel numb. More than that, I simply feel like this is the hand I’ve been dealt. I didn’t put myself in harm’s way and now I have cancer. I didn’t have someone cough on me and caught cancer. Yes, I have cancer, but it’s not my fault. It’s no one’s fault. It just is. That leaves me navigating through the muck of it all. I am forced to forge ahead for as long as it takes. Do I like it? No. Do I feel strong? No. I’m just putting one foot in front of the other and trying not to fall flat on my face.

I don’t see any of it as being strong. I see it as a constant fight to survive a disease that ultimately wants me to stay alive, too. Let’s be honest, as long as I live, it can live. If I die, well…no more cancer. It’s not like it can jump out of me and into someone else. Right? Cancer isn’t trying to kill me. It just happens to like living off the parts of me that are also necessary for me to live…but as we all know, that’s not sustainable.

So where does that leave me at this point in time? I had a video visit with Dr. Rugo and she wants me to continue with the oral chemo until the end of November. Ugh. I was hoping I’d be done mid-October. So I can look forward to being abnormally fatigued for several more months. Yippee. There is some good news. Because I seem to be tolerating the twice-a-day-for-7-days poisoning with manageable side effects and my bloodwork has been consistently good, the chemo dosage was not increased as I had anticipated. Yippee, and I mean it. Also rather than getting labs done every other week, she increased the time in-between pokes to every other month! Super yippee!

A small price to pay for eventually getting my life back.

I’ll get through this. We all will. Thanks for having my back and thinking of me once in awhile and sending all that loving, healing energy my way. I truly feel it and appreciate it every day. If there is any part of me that is strong, it’s because you feed me and make me that way.

The best way out is always through. —Robert Frost


18 Replies to “Strong?”

  1. We ove that you are able to get some good news while having to extend the chemo treatment. Also, we’re so pleased you’re able to tolerate the side effects with good bloodwork besides. Putting one foot in front of the other is a part of your strength. We love your straightforward outlook and that you have that great attitude about winning this fight. Sending all our love and healing energy.

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  2. okay if strong doesn’t sound right, how about resilient and not afraid to say fuck you cancer and you can’t have me! yeah, i like that for you! xoxo katie

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  3. Lana, I continue to completely admire your tenacity and Grit! Still pressing your name out loud every single day-until I can give you a real hug

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  4. Lana, your blog is so insightful for those who have not traveled in your shoes. Although I’ve known others who have taken your journey, never has one engaged in such a manner that allows others to grasp the significance of what things and words mean to you. That is strength, to share in the way you do. So happy to hear the side effects have been manageable. xxooxx Becky

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  5. I think of you more than once in awhile. You are always on my mind and from where I am standing, you are strong. For yourself, for your family and friends. We have witnessed you show incredible strength and intestinal fortitude. I so love and admire you. I wish I could give you a big hug. I’m living for that day. I may never let you go. ❤️❤️❤️

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  6. Hi Lana! Thank you for sharing. I continually lift you up in prayer. God will give you what you need. Glad to see some sunshine through the trees. Take care. Hugs and love from Ken and I in Spokane.

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  7. Hi, sweet Lana! Boy would I love to be able to give you a real hug! However, while today’s circumstances and distance makes that impossible, I will continue to send you lots & lots of virtual hugs!! Take all of this time, while it’s too damn hot to do anything else (even in Spokane 🥵), to store up your energy and keep kicking cancer’s ass! Know that you are thought of always and healing prayers and love are continually sent your way.
    Love you! 😘💕

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