Wednesday, October 16, 2019. I know it’s been quite a spell since my last post. I guess I’ve been trying to figure out, “what is my new normal?”
Going out in public and trying not to be self-conscious about my appearance is still a bit of a struggle. I’ve finally got enough hair that folks who don’t know what I’ve been through think I had it cut this way. The truth is that I don’t think I’d ever be that brave.
It’s good to be back in the company of friends and having a more social life rather than keeping myself isolated so as not to get exposed to any viruses. It feels like I’m back in the world of the living. For most of 2019 I’ve been content to be on my own little planet navigating through the trials of this disease, an active citizen in that corner of the universe that battles cancer on a daily basis. Another one of the patients of all those souls who choose a life serving those of us who are cancer’s victims. I miss my friends in the medical community, but I don’t miss the weekly journey or the poking, prodding and poisoning.
I got on the scales today and I finally weight 95 pounds! A goal I’ve strived to achieve for nearly 10 months.
So, I’m doing good. I’m happy. I’m “healthy.” People say I have my spark back. It’s good to sparkle.
Do I think that ultimately cancer will be my demise? Yes, it’s likely. Unless, of course, there truly is a cure (new cancer vaccine shows promise).
The truth is that cancer is always lingering in the back of my mind. It is my constant companion. When I wake up in the middle of the night that’s what I think about. They aren’t fear-based thoughts. They are mostly about how I want to live my life now that the worst of it is behind me. I’ve decided I’m going to do the things that give me joy…big and small. If I want to have a peanut butter cookie or two, then I’m going to have them. I’m not going to martyr myself in what seems to be a futile attempt to keep cancer at bay. After facing this disease two times in my life, and being in good health both times, I know that cancer doesn’t care. Life was meant to be lived, and that’s what I’m going to do as best I can, under my own terms.
“The very least you can do in your life is figure out what you hope for. And the most you can do is live inside that hope, running down its hallways, touching the walls on both sides. —Barbara Kingsolver – Animal Dreams